My ex and his ability to spend on his new girlfriend often leave me with no desire to be civil. I could care less that his girlfriend gets a new necklace or studs. I am more interested in sending my kids to a good pre-school or finding the right toy for my autistic son. Differences aside, I need to have some ground for civility because my ex does call or stop by to talk to the kids.
Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.
1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.
2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.
3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.
4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.
5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.
Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Five Tips To A Successful Family Outing with the Ex
My ex came over today for our regular Sunday outing with the kids. I planned a simple afternoon at the park and followed by a short drive. Overall, the kids had fun, and I was able to tolerate the day without my ex saying he wanted to leave before the outing even started. I sometimes wonder why I plan events when my ex is stressful to be around, but then I think of the kids. The kids need some sort of regular family experience.
These outings are often stressful for many reasons. The legal paperwork for my separation is not yet finalized. Worse yet, my ex occasionally talks about his girlfriend. (This girlfriend was originally his mistress.) Today, for example, my ex said I should do what his girlfriend does with her kid--teach my kids to swim without formal lessons. This advice is not necessarily wrong. I just do not want to hear about the girlfriend. To deal with the stress, I have attempted to organize family outings using the following guidelines:
1. Leave home. To me, home places an added level of stress on being with my ex. The stress can stem from past memories or from the kids getting distracted with their toys and avoiding their dad. Leaving home offers the chance to find neutral ground.
2. Keep outings structured. It's easier for me to make it through an outing if I have a plan. A plan can be as simple as a walk to the park and then a trip to Starbucks. A plan also has the added benefit of keeping my ex informed of the day's events. If he does not like something, I find it's easy to make a change. From the moment I meet my ex to end of the outing, I keep surprises to a minimum.
3. Go somewhere that's for the kids. I try to look for outings where the kids will be engaged. If the kids are running around or exploring different environments, my ex and I don't spend as much time in awkward silence. The type of silence, for example, that leads my ex to talking about how he needs to get his body fat down from 22% to 20%. The best activities for an outing keep my ex and I moving throughout the entire outing.
4. Put a time limit on the outing. My outings are generally two to four hours in length. By constraining the time, I know there is an end. It makes it easier for me to relax and feel less trapped. Sometimes the outings are shorter or longer, but the time limit does wonders for my own morale. I am only four months out of my separation, so I strive to balance family time against the desire to keep my distance.
5. Keep discussions limited to neutral subjects. I don't have much in common with my ex anymore. He plays online gaming 30 to 40 hours a week after he works while I am on full-time kid duty with two babies. Despite these differences, we are able to talk about family, common friends, health, etc. These neutral topics help the family outing last for a reasonable length of time. Once a sensitive topic is broached (e.g., why my ex was dating and not letting me know he had marital issues) however, the outing is often cut short. I try to keep sensitive topics outside of family time.
For me, the Sunday outings are necessary. I want the kids to know they have mommy and daddy in their lives. I also don't want the kids growing up with the idea that they caused the family break-up. This is the most painful commitment I have to honor every week, so I organize outings to positive and to help me cope at the same time. Oddly enough, my ex now spends more time with the kids than when we were together.
These outings are often stressful for many reasons. The legal paperwork for my separation is not yet finalized. Worse yet, my ex occasionally talks about his girlfriend. (This girlfriend was originally his mistress.) Today, for example, my ex said I should do what his girlfriend does with her kid--teach my kids to swim without formal lessons. This advice is not necessarily wrong. I just do not want to hear about the girlfriend. To deal with the stress, I have attempted to organize family outings using the following guidelines:
1. Leave home. To me, home places an added level of stress on being with my ex. The stress can stem from past memories or from the kids getting distracted with their toys and avoiding their dad. Leaving home offers the chance to find neutral ground.
2. Keep outings structured. It's easier for me to make it through an outing if I have a plan. A plan can be as simple as a walk to the park and then a trip to Starbucks. A plan also has the added benefit of keeping my ex informed of the day's events. If he does not like something, I find it's easy to make a change. From the moment I meet my ex to end of the outing, I keep surprises to a minimum.
3. Go somewhere that's for the kids. I try to look for outings where the kids will be engaged. If the kids are running around or exploring different environments, my ex and I don't spend as much time in awkward silence. The type of silence, for example, that leads my ex to talking about how he needs to get his body fat down from 22% to 20%. The best activities for an outing keep my ex and I moving throughout the entire outing.
4. Put a time limit on the outing. My outings are generally two to four hours in length. By constraining the time, I know there is an end. It makes it easier for me to relax and feel less trapped. Sometimes the outings are shorter or longer, but the time limit does wonders for my own morale. I am only four months out of my separation, so I strive to balance family time against the desire to keep my distance.
5. Keep discussions limited to neutral subjects. I don't have much in common with my ex anymore. He plays online gaming 30 to 40 hours a week after he works while I am on full-time kid duty with two babies. Despite these differences, we are able to talk about family, common friends, health, etc. These neutral topics help the family outing last for a reasonable length of time. Once a sensitive topic is broached (e.g., why my ex was dating and not letting me know he had marital issues) however, the outing is often cut short. I try to keep sensitive topics outside of family time.
For me, the Sunday outings are necessary. I want the kids to know they have mommy and daddy in their lives. I also don't want the kids growing up with the idea that they caused the family break-up. This is the most painful commitment I have to honor every week, so I organize outings to positive and to help me cope at the same time. Oddly enough, my ex now spends more time with the kids than when we were together.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Top 5: Moving Beyond The Wrong Relationship
nstead of going to bed one night, my now ex-husband started talking about wanting to be happy. He talked for a while and finally said he said he just wanted to be friends. He treated 15 years of marriage like a six month casual relationship. He just did not know how to cope with two babies under the age of three--one who is on the autistic spectrum, a mortgage, and the daily grind of life.
After days of prodding, I found out that my ex was involved in an online romance. He found a girlfriend through his online gaming--one who spent alot of money and was addicted to online gaming. I was shocked at first and then realized my marriage was an emptry relationship. I grieved for many weeks over the loss of my marriage and feared being a lonely single mom with a special needs child. As painful as it was, I knew that the best decision was to start a new life. Listed below are my top five survival tips to moving beyond a failed relationship, especially if you have kids.
My Top 5 Survival Tips for Moving Forward:
1. Don't forget the kids; they come first. My children noticed when daddy moved out. They would ask about daddy coming home from work. What could I say about daddy? I had to hide many of my reactions and develop an approach to deal with my kids. As the responsible parent (at least in my eyes), I did not want the kids to to be negatively impacted by the stress. I did my best to talk about the changes taking place. I also maintained a highly structured home environment. My ex even agreed to letting the kids live with me full time so they would not be confused by two homes. This may be extreme, but my kids did not ask to live in this situation.
2. You don't have to like an ex, but it helps to be civil. In my opinion, my husband was callous in his actions and immature for not approaching me sooner about marital issues. I do not consider my ex a friend and probably won't for years to come. However, this does not change the the fact that my kids will be in contact with their daddy throughout their lives. For me, the only means of dealing with this unpleasantness is to be civil. I remain neutral in my reactions and try not to get on my soap box. My ex leaves the door wide open to being lectured. i just ignore the door's presence.
3. Keep yourself together, don't get lost on the way out. At one time, I was wrapped up in my marriage and kids. This was my identity and a source of strength through the many hardships I experienced. My oldest child had health issues from birth, my ex was addicted to online gaming and for a while, I was bringing home the only paycheck. After my marriage went south, I got lost in grief. I did not want to face the end of my relationship. It took several weeks, but I started planning time out with friends and special activities for the kids. I eventually got counseling as well. I worked to move forward so that I did not feel so helpless about my predicament. It would have been so easy to pine after my ex and the life I thought I had. If I did not move forward with myself, I would remain lost in the past.
4. Don't spend all your money on the lawyers, keep some for yourself. Getting married is easy, and getting divorced costs--time and money. The money predominantly goes to lawyers--from 25 cents for one photocopy to hundreds of dollars an hour for a lawyer's time. My lawyer was important in guiding me through the process, but I wanted to spend as little as possible. I did not need years of debt onn top of a failed marriage. I had to work with my ex and forget about any notion of punishing him. In the end, I saved a little money and a lot of future financial hardship.
5. Reach out and talk. When I first learned of my ex's transgressions, I decided to talk with close family and friends. I could not believe I was talking about my ex and his girlfirend or about his video game addiction, but this act removed my isolation. I found support and great advice. One friend even flew across the country to spend spend a weekend with me. She helped me to realize that my marriage was over. Talking to others broke my cycle of grief and pushed me into a healing process.
The grief about my breakup was equivalent to someone dying. I still can't believe that my marriage was over in a matter of weeks. Facing the situation and moving forward was the best solution for me. I can't change my ex's behaviors. I can only control my reaction and what i will accept in my life.
After days of prodding, I found out that my ex was involved in an online romance. He found a girlfriend through his online gaming--one who spent alot of money and was addicted to online gaming. I was shocked at first and then realized my marriage was an emptry relationship. I grieved for many weeks over the loss of my marriage and feared being a lonely single mom with a special needs child. As painful as it was, I knew that the best decision was to start a new life. Listed below are my top five survival tips to moving beyond a failed relationship, especially if you have kids.
My Top 5 Survival Tips for Moving Forward:
1. Don't forget the kids; they come first. My children noticed when daddy moved out. They would ask about daddy coming home from work. What could I say about daddy? I had to hide many of my reactions and develop an approach to deal with my kids. As the responsible parent (at least in my eyes), I did not want the kids to to be negatively impacted by the stress. I did my best to talk about the changes taking place. I also maintained a highly structured home environment. My ex even agreed to letting the kids live with me full time so they would not be confused by two homes. This may be extreme, but my kids did not ask to live in this situation.
2. You don't have to like an ex, but it helps to be civil. In my opinion, my husband was callous in his actions and immature for not approaching me sooner about marital issues. I do not consider my ex a friend and probably won't for years to come. However, this does not change the the fact that my kids will be in contact with their daddy throughout their lives. For me, the only means of dealing with this unpleasantness is to be civil. I remain neutral in my reactions and try not to get on my soap box. My ex leaves the door wide open to being lectured. i just ignore the door's presence.
3. Keep yourself together, don't get lost on the way out. At one time, I was wrapped up in my marriage and kids. This was my identity and a source of strength through the many hardships I experienced. My oldest child had health issues from birth, my ex was addicted to online gaming and for a while, I was bringing home the only paycheck. After my marriage went south, I got lost in grief. I did not want to face the end of my relationship. It took several weeks, but I started planning time out with friends and special activities for the kids. I eventually got counseling as well. I worked to move forward so that I did not feel so helpless about my predicament. It would have been so easy to pine after my ex and the life I thought I had. If I did not move forward with myself, I would remain lost in the past.
4. Don't spend all your money on the lawyers, keep some for yourself. Getting married is easy, and getting divorced costs--time and money. The money predominantly goes to lawyers--from 25 cents for one photocopy to hundreds of dollars an hour for a lawyer's time. My lawyer was important in guiding me through the process, but I wanted to spend as little as possible. I did not need years of debt onn top of a failed marriage. I had to work with my ex and forget about any notion of punishing him. In the end, I saved a little money and a lot of future financial hardship.
5. Reach out and talk. When I first learned of my ex's transgressions, I decided to talk with close family and friends. I could not believe I was talking about my ex and his girlfirend or about his video game addiction, but this act removed my isolation. I found support and great advice. One friend even flew across the country to spend spend a weekend with me. She helped me to realize that my marriage was over. Talking to others broke my cycle of grief and pushed me into a healing process.
The grief about my breakup was equivalent to someone dying. I still can't believe that my marriage was over in a matter of weeks. Facing the situation and moving forward was the best solution for me. I can't change my ex's behaviors. I can only control my reaction and what i will accept in my life.
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